My life changed forever in one moment

Everyone has at least one moment in their life that changes them forever. It can put you on top of the world or make you hit rock bottom. For me, that moment was when my mom died of pancreatic cancer.

Losing her really hit me hard. Doctors told us she had six months. So, I should have been prepared. But the truth is you’re never prepared. You don’t know how the death of someone you love will affect you until it happens. And when she died this evening fourteen years ago, a piece of me died with her.

The moment right after she passed away was surreal. In front of me was her lifeless body turning cold. Yet only a few minutes ago I had spoken to her. “Mom,” I said, “If you’re ready, it’s ok for you to go.”

As she lay in bed dying, I kept telling her how much my brother and I loved her. I stood by her bedside and held her hand. While I looked into her eyes I tried to stay calm. But once she stopped breathing I completely lost it.

I never imagined that I’d lose my mom so soon. She was only fifty. My grandparents lived almost into their eighties and I expected her to as well. Although I was already an adult at the time, inside I was still that little girl who needed her. But there I was watching her die. And that sad memory has stuck with me ever since.

It was tough getting through the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries of her death. On those days, I’d fall into a deep depression that I tried hard not to show. To be honest, I didn’t feel like living anymore. I have to admit I even thought of suicide. But the promise I made to my mom to look after my brother kept me from actually doing it. Even the things I did accomplish in my life didn’t mean much. So, I settled into living a life below my potential.

Then about a year ago, I decided I didn’t want the pain of losing her to be the focus of my life anymore. I learned how others worked through their grief to help me through mine. It also helped to connect with friends who have been there. Eventually, it became easier to share feelings that I had kept bottled up inside for years.

To this day, I still miss my mom very much. Sometimes a thing or a place will remind me of her. While it’s still painful, my emotions of grief are not as raw as they used to be. Deep in my heart, I know she’s still guiding me. I just wish I could talk to her and hear her voice. I wish I could hug her again.

One day we will be together again. And when I see her, I hope that I have made her proud. Until then, I will work on becoming the person I was meant to be before I lost her. It’s the only thing I can do to honor her and the life she gave me.

 

14 thoughts on “My life changed forever in one moment

  1. Beautiful blog entry. The courage in your transparency is admirable. I hope that you keep pushing through and maximizing your potential in your journey of discovery into your own greatness. Keep blogging and good luck with everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I believe I have read your blog story like 3 times…

    You are amazing in every kind of way & trust me your Mom is really proud of the beautiful human being you have become.. and one day she will tell you her self!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very beautiful and touching. The more I read, the more my heart hurt for you. I’m so sorry for you to loss someone that you loved so much. Your mother must have been a truly beautiful person.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s the only thing wrong with love, heartache usually goes along with it. Yours must have been a powerful love. Take comfort in what Jennifer Vega wrote, but let it be on Gods time and not yours. We need you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My moment was at the dinner table. We had just returned the week before from a 5 week holiday. He’d been to the doctor’s that day and at supper I asked him about his appointment. He said,

    “I have cancer.”

    And with that, everything changed. It still hasn’t been a year yet. As for you, it was pancreatic cancer. We were told, “Months.” It was four. The saddest moment of every day is climbing the stairs to bed. Seems to be when I feel it the most. I am no longer surprised by my widowhood in the morning when I wake up. But at bed time, every night it’s like I just found out.

    Like

  6. Thank you so much for this heartbreakingly beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve managed to eloquently put into words exactly what I felt when I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer last month. I don’t think we ever imagine that we’ll lose our moms, but I agree, they’re still guiding us.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s